Tall Tales, Short Stories and Long Songs
Setting down in writing such stories as enjoyed in the oral tradition of the Lee family
can help preserve them for generations to come as we scatter around the globe.
I hope that this can be a place where we gather once again around the
big living room of our memories and swap stories.
Send submissions to barbie@smaalders.net and I'll post them.



Contents:
"Ho! Ho! Yes! Yes!"
"Aunt Clara"
 

Ho! Ho!, Yes! Yes!

 RVL told a tale of weaving home late one night after a party. When the cops pulled him over, he recited this in its entirely. They let him off, assuming that no one could keep a clear enough head to recite this if they were drunk. They didn't know RV. My recollection, though, was that RV's recitation was usually less than letter perfect, but who could tell?

Ballade of Soporific Absorption

Ho! Ho! Yes! Yes! It's very all well,
You may drunk I am think, but I tell you I'm not,
I'm as sound as a fiddle and fit as a bell,
And stable quite ill to see what's what.
I under do stand you surprise a got
When I headed my smear with gooseberry jam;
And I've swallowed, I grant, a beer of lot -
But I'm not so think as you drunk I am.

Can I liquor my stand?  Why, yes, like hell!
I care not how many a tossed I've pot,
I shall stralk quite weight and not yutter an ell,
My feech will not spalter the least little jot:
If you knownly had own! - well, I gave him a dot,
And I said to him, 'Sergeant, I'll come like a lamb -
The floor it seems like a storm in a yacht,
But I'm not so think as you drunk I am.

For example, to prove it I'll tale you a tell -
I once knew a fellow named Apricot -
I'm sorry, I just chair over a fell -
A trifle - this chap, on a very day hot -
If I hadn't consumed that last whisky of tot! -
As I said now, this fellow, called Abraham -
Ah?  One more?  Since it's you!  Just a do me will spot -
But I'm not so think as you drunk I am.
 

                Envoi

So, Prince, you suggest I've bolted my shot?
Well, like what you say, and soul your damn!
I'm an upple litset by the talk you rot -
But I'm not so think as you drunk I am.

                        SIR J.C.SQUIRE
 

Aunt Clara

WE NEVER MENTION AUNT CLARA

*1
She used to sing hymns in the old village choir
She taught at the Sunday-school class,
At playing the organ she never would tire
Those dear days are over, alas.
*2
In church at the organ she'd practice each day
While the minister pumped up and down.
His wife caught him pumping the organ one day
And that's why aunt Clara left town.
*3
With presents he tempted and lured her to sin
Her innocent virtue to smirch,
But her honor was strong and she never gave in
Till he gave her the deed to the church.

Cho.
     We never mention aunt Clara;
     Her picture is turned to the wall.
     Though she lives on the French Riviera
     Mother says she is dead to us all.
*4
They said that she'd toil by night and by day
She'd have to scrub floors for her bread,
But inside of a week she discovered a way
To earn her board lying in bed.
*5
They told her the wages of sinners was death.
To this my aunt Clara just said
That she'd just as soon die with champagne on her
     breath,
And pink satin sheets on her bed.
*6
They said no one cared if she'd ever come back
When she left us her fortune to seek
But the boys in the firehouse painted it black
And the ball team wore mourning that week.
*7
The said that no man would make her his bride
They prophesied children of shame
But she's married three earls and a baron besides
And she hasn't a child to her name.
*8
They said that Hellfire would punish her sin
She'd burn for her carryings-on
But just at the moment she's toasting her skin
On the beaches of Dover and Cannes.
*9
They said that to garments of sackcloth she'd sink
With ashes to cover her head.
But just at the moment it's ermine and mink
And a diamond tiara instead.
*10
They say that she's sunk in the muck and the mud
But the papers last week showed a snap
Of aunt Clara, at Nice, with a prince of the blood
And a bishop asleep on her lap.
*11
The best things in life always go to the pure
The Sunday school lessons all teach
But I wonder when I see the rotogravure
Of her eighty room shack at the beach.
*12
They say that she's sunken, they say that she fell
From the narrow and virtuous path,
But her French formal gardens are sunken as well
And so is her pink marble bath.
*13
My poor mother's life has been pious and meek
She drives in a second-hand Ford.
Aunt Clara received, for her birthday, last week
A Rolls-Royce, a Stutz and a Cord.
*14
My mother does all of her housework alone
She has to scrub clothes for her board
It strikes me that virtue's not only its own,
But also its only reward.
final cho.
     So we never mention aunt Clara,
     But I think that when I grow up tall
     I shall live on the French Riviera
     And let mother turn me to the wall.